Commiting to Balance

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So I am slowly returning to the working world. My first AmeriCorps term ended on December 11th, and then I was off until this past Wednesday. Now I am learning the ropes at my new AmeriCorps assignment at Community Action, and so far I really like it! I am a little nervous about preparing taxes but I am sure once I go through the training next week I'll feel more confident.

The only disappointing thing is that I have to scale back my commitments even further than I had originally planned. I had already decided that I can't be involved in the small organic cooperative farm I worked on for the past 2 summers (I want to garden in my own yard this year... we just bought a house in May). But this week I realized I also over-committed when I said I could volunteer to help put together a large event called "Pucks Against Poverty" this Spring. I'd love to be involved with this fundraiser but I am already feeling pulled away from my AmeriCorps assignment because of it. I don't want to let anyone down... but I also can't sacrifice my sanity for fundraisers!

I came to the realization that, deep down, I am yearning to focus on just one thing at a time. You know how long it's been since I've done that?! Starting in Junior High (12 years ago) I became involved in extra-curricular activities... and it never stopped! High School and College just got more and more busy as I jammed in club meetings and activist undertakings. And although these experiences enriched my life in many ways, they often detracted from my school work -- pulling me in too many directions at once. I am feeling this same sort of pull now. Part of this 180-Day Challenge is to experience life in a more balanced way; scaling back my commitments is key!

Another thing I realized recently is that the only one who can truly protect your self-interest is you. And that's not being selfish -- it's just being realistic. I'm not saying people are inherently bad and are looking to push you around or hurt you, it's just that no one can truly understand your limits but you. And when you feel yourself reaching your limits, you have to stand up for yourself and say something. It's unfair to assume that others will recognize your subtle hints that you can't handle more commitments... if you think of it, many of these "hints" are actually no more than internal grumblings. The people around you are not mind-readers, nor do they have the time or energy to analyze everything you do. They are too busy living out their life's missions, and that's OK. It is your responsibility to let people know what you want, what you expect from them, and what they can expect from you. No one else is going to do this for you.

Does that make sense? Maybe the above idea elementary, but it took me 25 years to come to this conclusion! I just felt so guilty for saying no to people, to causes, to invitations. I think in a way, being asked to do something (helping to plan an event, for example) made me feel NEEDED and thus VALUABLE.... even if it wasn't a reasonable request for me at that time. So I always said yes, even if I had a lot of trouble following through. That's not fair to others, or myself.

Unfortunately, this behavior was repeated so often that it is now pretty much ingrained. So one of the things I plan to do during this 180-Day Turnaround is to unlearn my bad habit of over-commitment. It's time I turn my past mistakes into future inspiration... after all, I am not condemned to repeat history if I learn from it!

Oh yeah, and I still haven't had any alcohol! Woo-hoo!

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