Best. Book. Ever.

~

So I have depression. It wasn't diagnosed until college, though it was definitely rearing its ugly head during my last two years of high school. I cried all the time. Let me repeat that... All The Time. My poor friends -- they really were saints for sticking by me. I mean, once I had a meltdown because I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay overnight at my best friend's house or if I wanted my Dad to give me a ride home! I was a basket-case!

Anyway, my close friend and roommate at the time talked me into seeing an on-campus counselor about four years ago. I was skeptical, to say the least. I did NOT want to admit I was dealing with depression. Looking back now, I can't imagine how I was in such denial! The psychologist literally had to pull out a list of the symptoms and point out that I was suffering from eight out of nine of them... to give a proper diagnosis I only needed to be struggling with five! Finally, it all made sense... the counselor was right. I had depression. It was kind of a relief, actually.

Promptly after my first counseling session, the campus psychiatrist prescribed for me Celexa. I took the pill each day, not sure exactly what to hope for, and went on with life as usual. Then, about three weeks later, it just suddenly dawned on me: I hadn't cried in FOUR WHOLE DAYS! That was like an eternity! I was amazed! I felt NORMAL!

Luckily, the medication continually worked well for me. I still had a propensity towards anxiety, but it was much more manageable than before. And the crying was practically nonexistent. However, I always carried with me the secret hope that after college I would get myself off the antidepressants. Just because.

And now, 18 months after graduation, I am finally making the leap... I am living Drug Free! I took my last Celexa on December 3rd, 2009. I've been keeping my doctor in the loop, and she thinks that I should make a go of it. After all, I can always start up the antidepressants again if need be (I must admit, this is a comforting thought).

So far, my Celexa-Free Experiment has produced mostly positive results. I'm not saying it's been easy: I have definitely noticed an overall drop in mood and an increased anxiety level. But aside from a few minor hiccups, I haven't been experiencing the crying jags or the overwhelming sadness that plagued me when I was first diagnosed with depression several years ago. So I see this slight down-turn as a relative success... or at least a good starting point.

I think what has made this past month tolerable is that I determined to learn from this experience -- to learn about myself, about depression, and about how to live in the way that is healthiest for me. I am also determined to move forward. My "best" now doesn't have to be my best when I am done with this 180-Day Challenge, or even a week from now. There is room for improvement everywhere!

And, thanks to a very dear friend, I now am armed with one of the most amazing books I have ever read! It's called "The Chemistry of Joy: A Three-Step Program for Overcoming Depression Through Western Science and Eastern Wisdom". The author of this wonderful book is Dr. Henry Emmons, Consulting Psychiatrist at Allina Medical Clinic in Northfield, Minnesota. I would seriously recommend his book to anyone who has ever suffered from depression or even just a sense of dis-ease. It is so broad and yet so thorough, so scientific and yet so readable! And it is EXTREMELY practical! I am a little over 1/3 of the way done with it, and I just got it yesterday! I can't stop reading it -- except to write about it!

I won't go into too much detail here (Hint: Read It For Yourself), but the author outlines a holistic approach to dealing with the three different types of depression. Yeah, you heard me, there are [at least] three! Who knew? Not I! Anyway, he discusses the whole gamut of treatment options available -- medications, food choices, vitamin supplements, exercise regimens, and even meditation techniques -- which all can help to balance out your unique brain chemistry!

The best thing about "The Chemistry of Joy" is that it reads more like a handbook than a textbook. Instead of writing, "Studies have shown that certain vitamins may help to alleviate symptoms of depression," Emmons actually provides his readers with a detailed list of these specific vitamins and the doses he normally recommends to his patients! It is SO MUCH MORE than theoretical! I love it!

Anyway, I am very much inspired by this book. "The Chemistry of Joy" really drives home the point that our bodies (and minds!) desperately need us to start eating better and exercising regularly. I mean, it is entirely possible that I could overcome my depression if I just focused on these two lifestyle changes! How cool is that?!? So, as of today, the maintenance of a "brain-healthy" diet and an exercise routine are officially key components of the 180-Day Turnaround. I am pumped!

OK, so I really need to be getting to bed. But I am feeling quite empowered! Moral of this story? Go to your nearest library and check out THE CHEMISTRY OF JOY!!! You won't regret it!

~

Commiting to Balance

~

So I am slowly returning to the working world. My first AmeriCorps term ended on December 11th, and then I was off until this past Wednesday. Now I am learning the ropes at my new AmeriCorps assignment at Community Action, and so far I really like it! I am a little nervous about preparing taxes but I am sure once I go through the training next week I'll feel more confident.

The only disappointing thing is that I have to scale back my commitments even further than I had originally planned. I had already decided that I can't be involved in the small organic cooperative farm I worked on for the past 2 summers (I want to garden in my own yard this year... we just bought a house in May). But this week I realized I also over-committed when I said I could volunteer to help put together a large event called "Pucks Against Poverty" this Spring. I'd love to be involved with this fundraiser but I am already feeling pulled away from my AmeriCorps assignment because of it. I don't want to let anyone down... but I also can't sacrifice my sanity for fundraisers!

I came to the realization that, deep down, I am yearning to focus on just one thing at a time. You know how long it's been since I've done that?! Starting in Junior High (12 years ago) I became involved in extra-curricular activities... and it never stopped! High School and College just got more and more busy as I jammed in club meetings and activist undertakings. And although these experiences enriched my life in many ways, they often detracted from my school work -- pulling me in too many directions at once. I am feeling this same sort of pull now. Part of this 180-Day Challenge is to experience life in a more balanced way; scaling back my commitments is key!

Another thing I realized recently is that the only one who can truly protect your self-interest is you. And that's not being selfish -- it's just being realistic. I'm not saying people are inherently bad and are looking to push you around or hurt you, it's just that no one can truly understand your limits but you. And when you feel yourself reaching your limits, you have to stand up for yourself and say something. It's unfair to assume that others will recognize your subtle hints that you can't handle more commitments... if you think of it, many of these "hints" are actually no more than internal grumblings. The people around you are not mind-readers, nor do they have the time or energy to analyze everything you do. They are too busy living out their life's missions, and that's OK. It is your responsibility to let people know what you want, what you expect from them, and what they can expect from you. No one else is going to do this for you.

Does that make sense? Maybe the above idea elementary, but it took me 25 years to come to this conclusion! I just felt so guilty for saying no to people, to causes, to invitations. I think in a way, being asked to do something (helping to plan an event, for example) made me feel NEEDED and thus VALUABLE.... even if it wasn't a reasonable request for me at that time. So I always said yes, even if I had a lot of trouble following through. That's not fair to others, or myself.

Unfortunately, this behavior was repeated so often that it is now pretty much ingrained. So one of the things I plan to do during this 180-Day Turnaround is to unlearn my bad habit of over-commitment. It's time I turn my past mistakes into future inspiration... after all, I am not condemned to repeat history if I learn from it!

Oh yeah, and I still haven't had any alcohol! Woo-hoo!

~

Glimmers

~

So far, so good! No alcohol since I started this thing, and I am really quite pleased with myself! I even went out to dinner with people who were drinking and didn't cave... I had a lime juice spritzer with my meal (yummier than plain water) and it did the trick just fine! I am beginning to think the no alcohol thing will be easier than I expected!

Also, yesterday I went through all my clothes, hats, and purses and sent a lot to the Goodwill. Some of my clothes were even too crappy for that, so they went to the trash. That's not the best feeling in the world, but having old and beat up clothes languishing in my dresser drawers serves no purpose to anyone.

Now I must learn from my past mistakes and not buy a bunch more hats, purses, and clothes to replace the ones I just sent away!

~

THE 180 TURNAROUND: DAY 1

~~~

So, I have decided to blog about the next 180 days. I have reached a point where I need to truly deal with some longstanding issues in my life: procrastination, overspending, consumerism, clutter, irresponsible drinking, depression, anxiety, and stress.

Don't get me wrong, I have a very blessed life filled with love, family, and friends. I have had wonderful experiences, and have accomplished a decent amount so far. It's not like I've hit rock-bottom. It's more like I am tired of spinning my wheels. I know that I am capable of living in peace, and of doing truly helpful work. I've just let certain issues hold me back, and I am finally ready and determined to deal with them.

How am I going to do this, you may ask? Not sure, entirely. I have a few ideas though:

1) Stop drinking. I am not an alcoholic, but I do tend to overdo the sauce when I imbibe. :) I've noticed this cuts into my productivity, increases my feelings of anxiety and depression, and just plain negatively impacts my health. So for the next 180 days, I am making a commitment to an alcohol-free lifestyle. I know this is going to suck at first (I actually like the taste of beer!), but I am convinced that I will be better off for it in the long run.

2) De-clutter. Thanks to the thought provoking blog by Leo Babauta (zenhabits.net), I have been reintroduced to the ideas of simple living. One of his big things is de-cluttering, and I am excited to try it out for myself. I have reserved Tuesday for cleaning my bedroom from top to bottom. I am planning to get rid of A LOT that day. I have a feeling it will be kind of sad, but also a huge relief. I'll let you know how that pans out.

3) Narrow down my focus. I have been doing a lot of thinking about my priorities lately, and I have actually created a "short list" for the next 180 days. Here it is:

PERSONAL GOALS:

Personal Hygiene / Fitness / Nutrition / Spirituality
Mastering a Regular Sleep Schedule / Being on Time / Single-Tasking
Household Cleanliness / Cat and Dog Care / Respect for my Possessions

PROFESSIONAL GOALS:

AmeriCorps Assignment
Pucks Against Poverty Event
Freelance Projects for Income

REWARD ACTIVITIES:

Creating: Knitting, Painting, & Playing Violin
Learning: Reading Books that I Already Own & Writing in a Journal
Connecting with Nature: Ice Fishing, Sledding, & Going on Walks

This list will remind me of how I want to be spending my time. I will only expend my energies on the things outlined in this simple list. Life is too short to be running in a million directions!

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I am excited and nervous about this adventure. But I am starting it at the perfect time. Until at least April 15th, I am only working part-time, as an AmeriCorps member... that means I'll have plenty of time for focusing on the task at hand -- cultivating peace where there was once chaos.

~~~